• they are responsible for the consequences in terms of not being able to find something they need, not having clothes in wearable condition, etc. Don't get involved in that--let them handle it.
• they don't get to keep food in the room b/c it starts to smell bad or draw vermin.

It's on this latter point that you may have a legitimate claim to intervening with regard to the menstrual pads. I wonder how you have found out that the girl is tucking the pads away somewhere rather than discarding them. I don't advise parents to search their teenagers' rooms, backpacks, etc. If one of you was going through her things, then I think that should stop. But I can imagine they came to light because there was an odor? In any case, it does not seem hygienic to be secreting these pads away, and that is your only valid argument, as I see it, in asking her to change this behavior.

However, note that changing that behavior will require your stepdaughter's willingness to change. You've already found out that just asking her to do so doesn't work.

There is a reason she is doing this, but we don't know what that reason is, and my guess is that she doesn't know either, on a conscious level. It's possible, for instance, that she considers menstruation essentially problematic--dirty, perhaps--and hence wants to 'hide the evidence' that it is occurring for her. Or maybe it's a behavior somehow connected with her feelings about living with you while the rest of her family lives in Scotland--whether she requested that arrangement or not.

I'd suggest you try having a conversation with her that goes something like the following:

"As you are growing into a young adult, we recognize that you need increasing freedom to make your own choices. We don't love the way you keep your room, but it is your room, and as long as you don't create problems for the rest of the family, you can keep it however you want.

"It does create a problem for us if you keep old food in the room that can draw ants, mold, or vermin. So we want you to clear out the food including any dishes that contained food, once a week. It also makes a problem for us when you don't throw away your menstrual pads properly because the menstrual blood is entirely clean, but when it's exposed to the air for a time, it eventually will smell and become fertile ground for germs and bugs. So we want you to dispose of the pads in the trash can regularly during your period.

"The way we'll monitor the food rule is that once a week (on a specific day at a specific time), I'll go through your room lightly, just stepping over things or whatever, looking at counters or under the bed, to be sure you haven't forgotten to remove dirty dishes or food.

"The way we'll monitor whether you've forgotten to dispose properly of the menstrual pads is that during your period I'll expect to see in the trash the menstrual pads in the disposal bags we gave you or wrapped up in toilet tissue. I'll check your trash can once/week.

"The consequence for clearing your room of food or dirty dishes or not disposing of the menstrual pads will be that (a) I'll go through everything in your room with you once a week for a month, to be sure there's nothing there that has consequences for the rest of us, and (b) you'll lose (name a privilege) on any weekend that I find either food/dirty dishes in the room or, during your period, no pads in the trash can."

It would be important during any such conversation to avoid demeaning or judgmental attitudes towards your stepdaughter, either on your part or her father's. She's not somehow defective or bad for not getting it that there are some minimal standards of hygiene around menstruation, and this behavior may not even have to do with their mother being too lax. No lectures on behavior are likely to be helpful, and no warnings should be given. Just set up a program of the desired behaviors and the consequences for not complying, and then run the program. Most kids respond to this.

I would also, however, observe her for any signs of depression. Go to our Related Sites page if you'd like to find some web sites that offer guidance on what to look for in this area. If you become concerned about her overall mental health, it's fine to let her know that you have some concern and to offer the opportunity to talk with someone (a professional).

Good luck! What you're doing is not easy, to say the least, and requires a great deal of adjustment and patience from all concerned. Hope this answer helps you think through the issues.